"I just can't write quick enough. Things are changing so fast in my world that I can't keep up.
Around the 3rd week of March, before Rex left for C-4 ( a 2 week combat care course in Texas), Dr Quinlan said he'd do an ultra sound for us. I thought I was 5-6 wks along. Being an ob nurse I already had my due date figured, Nov 6. But, all the U/S showed was a yolk sac, no fetal pole. Dr Quinlan did some quant. levels. He was reassuring and said we'd recheck in a week.
I was positive something was wrong. I knew my dates had to be right. We should have seen a baby! I cried and cried. Poor Rex didn't know what to do with me. But I finally came around and I prayed and I prayed and tried to stay positive.
I called my mom and told her. Its not how I wanted to tell her but the family was coming the next week. I thought she should know what was going on. I knew I would be an emotional mess if I had another bad U/S while they were all here.
So, the last week of March rolls around and Mom went with me to my appt. Never was I so happy as I was when I saw that tiny speck that was my baby and the small fluttering that was the beginnings of my baby's heartbeat.
I had a great week with my family. Mom, Ashley and I did lots of baby shopping, even bought a few things. I started collecting maternity clothes as we found them on sale. Rex came home on the 30th and I felt like everything was right in my world.
Then April 9 everything went wrong. I was almost 10 wks along. It was time for another U/S. This time Rex was with me and we were looking forward to seeing the little one swimming about.
There was no swimming. The baby was still there but not much bigger than last time I'd seen it. And there was a little dark spot where a flickering light had been before. I knew it was not right and even if I hadn't the looks on Rex's and Dr. Quinlan's faces told the story. Sometime in the past three weeks, my baby had died.
I was devastated. Even as I am writing this now, 8 days later, I am devastated still. I had all of the typical reactions, tears, questions-why? What did I do wrong?, then and now there is some anger. I wanted this baby very badly. Life is not fair to have taken that joy from me. I feel cheated.
Rex is trying to help me but he doesn't really know how. I don't know how. He wants to try again in a few months.
Right now my little one is still safe inside of me. I did not have the heart to have Dr. Quiinlan take it out. I hope that in its own time the baby will pass without me becoming sick or needing a D&C. I really hope for a miracle, that Gumby's heart will beat again. But I know that won't happen.
If only I could write down words that could describe the depths of my sadness. But why would I want to leave such sadness here for someone else to find one day? I hope that one day God will give me another baby. I hope..."
On April 21st I wrote " my miscarriage is over". And I didn't write again until Rex went to Iraq almost a year later. Even then, I only made a handful of entries over a 6 year period.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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