Grief became Guilt

I did not handle my miscarriage very well. I couldn't figure out how to handle it. I couldn't accept it and move on. For the rest of that year I would mentally count off where I would be in my pregnancy. November 6 came and went with only my tears to mark the day.
Also during that year my cousin and sister became pregnant. Joy filled the family. I was happy but sad. A year earlier I had spent several nights on the phone with my sister. We were planning how perfect it would be to be pregnant together. Now I had lost a baby, she was pregnant and I was not. I felt guilty for being jealous. Especially guilty when my sister called to tell me first that she was pregnant, before anyone else. I was speechless. Her next statement was "you're not mad are you?". No not mad. More guilt though for feeling like I had just told a lie. I wasn't mad at her though.
Then later I found out that my cousin's baby was going to be born with some abnormalities. I felt guilty. I had no reason to but I did.
A few years later I still was not pregnant. Each month I felt the loss all over again. I also found that it is hard to believe in God and be angry with him. I felt guilty over that.
Then finally in 2005 I became pregnant again. I was happy but had some emotional times in the beginning where I felt guilty. I still longed for the baby I had lost not for the one I had been given. I felt detached from this new pregnancy and afraid it would disappear too if I couldn't love it enough. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
It is not healthy to live with that much guilt.
Happily I can tell you that I am better now. The guilt is gone My two beautiful children have helped with that. Giving up my grudge against God was the biggest help. Time really does heal all wounds. I just didn't realize how much time it would take. I still think about the what if's, especially at this time of the year. Sometimes when I look at my niece or my cousin's daughter I get a funny feeling. But it passes quickly and there is no more guilt.
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