Something happened to me this weekend. It was very strange and made me feel a little sad.
I think I mentioned that I went to my friend Megan's baby shower this weekend. I got to hold her daughter for a bit. When Megan put her in my arms, she felt light as a feather. I asked what she weighed. The answer was over 7 lbs. I couldn't believe it. If my eyes had been shut I could have believed that I was only holding the baby's blanket. I know my perception is off because I am used to the feel of my 18 lb. baby. But, I used to be able to tell the difference between 6 lbs or 7 lbs of baby. After years of labor and delivery I was becoming a pro at guessing baby weights just by feel. What has become of me?
Now I tend to gravitate towards tv shows about labor, magazines about pregnancy, books about obstetrics. I am even reading multiple blogs about L&D. Before those sorts of things didn't hold my attention long. If I wanted babies, labor, whiney pregnant patients or doctor attitude I'd just go to work or think about the last time I was there
. Now I can't remember the last time I attended a delivery, washed up a newborn or did a fundal check. I don't remember the last time I clocked out and ambled out to the parking lot with co workers; friends. I don't remember any of that because I didn't know then that they were all of my 'lasts'.
The last few nights I have fallen asleep titrating pitocin in my head for labor patterns I've made up. I have practiced the calculations for running Mag. I've thought about doing a physical assessment on a sick pregnant woman. What would I look for? What signs would I not want to miss? I've even daydreamed of that feeling you get from sinking an IV on a patient who's a hard stick. (Now I am probably freaking a few readers out. Sorry)
I knew since high school, maybe earlier, that I wanted to be an OB nurse. I guess that gets under your skin. It doesn't seem to be easy to let go of. I don't want to let go. I always felt like I was a pretty good nurse. I hate to lose that. I wonder if I'll ever deliver a baby again. I kind of hope so. No matter what, I think I'll always be an L&D nurse at heart.
The Thing I Have Been Wondering
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It has been a rough year. That is no lie. We have had one challenge after
another, and if this were a dark comedy one would recognize that it has
been fun...
3 comments:
Awww you make me sad. And kinda a little happy that I have a job as an OB nurse. (even though I do complain about it...)
We miss you. And if you happen to change your mind or have a moment of weakness there'a a prn position open :)
Ok....crying now. Please, is there anyway to find a way to come ack to us? I can't remember how things were left. We all miss you. You are still apart of our conversations. Esp after we have just read something on your blog we all start laughing and reminise. (I can't spell) Please come back. We will help you assess your pt and get mag going. The pit bags are now premixed and the pump still does the work. The doctors haven't changed much...but you also know how to deal with one, don't ya. Oh Heather, you are killin' me. Please don't tease me.
Got to go. Might blog more to ya later. can't let pt see me cryin'.
Geez. . . this breastfeeding mama is STILL an emotional wreck 5 months postpartum, so quit making me cry (at work no less!) Trust me, you are missed. Guess what! I delivered a baby a couple weeks ago. The parents were completely satisfied with me being the doc, although Beckman was more than a little pissed. . .oops! Of course that experience made me think of you! So glad I got to see you and your Mini-me at Megan's shower!
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